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NEW ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS BEING CONSIDERED BY THE FDA

WARNING: consumption of alcohol...

  1. ... may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. ... is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. ... may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. ... may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. ... may lead you to believe that exlovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  6. ... may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. ... may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
  8. ... is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  9. ... may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really large guy nicknamed Killer.
  10. ... may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. ... may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  12. ... may cause a disruption of the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem literally to disappear.
  13. ... may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
 

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1995-2002 William Geoffrey Shotts. Last update: Tuesday, March 09, 2004