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More Blonde Jokes

from various sources

What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"

Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.
Then She started to sing: "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

Q. How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day.
A. She has a tampon tucked under her year, and she can't find her pencil.
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.
Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.
Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
 
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
 
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
 
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
 
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
 
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
 
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
 
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
 
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
 
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
 
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
 
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
 
Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
 
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
 
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
 
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
 
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
 
Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
 
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
 
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
 
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
 
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
 
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
 
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
 
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
 
Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
 
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
 
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
 
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
 
Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
 
Q2: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.
 
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
 
Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
 
Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
 
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
 
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
 
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
 
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A: Because she loved children.
 
Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
 
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
 
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
 
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
 
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
 
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
 
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
 
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
 
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
 
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
 
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
 
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
 
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
 
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
 
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
 
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
 
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
 
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
 
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Did you hear about the blonde who:

  1. had more on her body than on her mind?
  2. was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
  3. took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
  4. got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
  5. was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
  6. had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
  7. thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
  8. was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
  9. after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
  10. went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
  11. brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby concieved ?"


"He was on top ", she replied.


"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply.


"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.


"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

Blondes... They take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin!

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

Confucious say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"


"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."


"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."


"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.


"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Another blonde in the porno shop:

She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"


He answers, "$35."


She: "How much for the black one?"


He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."


She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."


She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"


He: "$35."


She: "How much for the white one?"


He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."


She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."


She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"


He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."


She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"


He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."


She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"


To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally
occurring yearly
Artery
study of paintings
Bacteria
back door of cafeteria
Barium
what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel
letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section
district in Rome
Cat scan
searching for kitty
Cauterize
Made eye contact with her
Colic
sheep dog
Coma
a punctuation mark
Congenital
friendly
D&C
where Washington is
Diarrhea
journal of daily events
Dilate
to live long
Enema
not a friend
Fester
quicker
Fibula
a small lie
Genital
non-Jewish
G.I. Series
soldiers' ball game
Grippe
suitcase
Hangnail
coathook
Impotent
distinguished, well known
Intense pain
torture in a teepee
Labour pain
got hurt at work
Medical staff
doctor's cane
Morbid
higher offer
Nitrate
cheaper than day rate
Node
was aware of
Outpatient
person who had fainted
Pap smear
fatherhood test
Pelvis
cousin of Elvis
Post operative
letter carrier
Protein
favouring young people
Rectum
damn near killed 'em
Recovery room
place to do upholstery
Rheumatic
amorous
Scar
rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion
hiding anything
Seizure
Roman emperor
Serology
study of knighthood
Tablet
small tablet
Terminal illness
sickness at airport
Tibia
country in North Africa
Tumour
an extra pair
Urine
opposite of you're out
Varicose
located nearby
Vein
conceited

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why does a blonds bra say T.G.I.F?
A: Tits go in first.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
 
Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.
 
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE?
A: Full.

Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES BREASTFEED THEIR BABIES?
A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.
 
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."
 
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
 
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
 
Q: What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
 
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
 
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.
 
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
 
Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
 
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refriderator cold.
 
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
 
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
 
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
 
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
 
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with there mouths full.
 
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
 
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,

"How do you give shoulders?"

Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
 
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
 
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party!
 
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
 
Q: (Visual Joke) What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)
 
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
 
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
 
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
 
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...
 
Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde had a bad day?
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.

The Circle

OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point acr oss that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.

The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.

The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"

 

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1995-2002 William Geoffrey Shotts. Last update: Tuesday, March 09, 2004