Assorted Blonde Jokes
As compiled by weed@minerva.cis.yale.edu
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a
blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>?
A4: Who were all those guys?
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her
pencil.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the
street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or
a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde
and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around
for a week.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
A3: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde,
yea yea yea..."
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to ma rry them for sex!
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6
months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina? A1: The blonde! A2: The other
guys waiting their turn.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the
fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box l ids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming
home.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says,
"Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a s teering wheel?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech,
varoom...screech.....?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at
a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.
Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It
finally dawned on her.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said
"DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh
well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS
8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly,
"Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says,
"Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way
street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do
without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
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