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  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five-day vacation only requires one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don't give a shit whether you've lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
  11. When clicking through the channels, you don't stall at every shot of somebody crying.
  12. Your ass is never a factor at job interviews.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  15. Guys in hockey masks won't attack you.
  16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff everywhere you go.
  17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic thinking that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
  26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
  27. You never have to clean a toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
  34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
  36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass everynight.
  37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
  38. You can write your own name in the snow.
  39. You can get into a non-trivial possing contest.
  40. Everything on your face gets to stay it's original color.
  41. Chocolate is just another snack.
  42. You can be president.
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  44. Flowers fix everything.
  45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time!
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive on to another gas station becaue this one's "Just Too Skeevy."
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart to matter what you're wearing.
  69. Same work... more pay!
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo Rental: $75.
  73. You don't care if someone's talking behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
  75. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
  99. Baywatch.
  100. There's always a game on ..somewhere.

10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy

  1. You have to take out the garbage.
  2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
  3. No sofas in your restrooms.
  4. External genitalia are vunerable to knees and fastballs.
  5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
  6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
  7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
  8. You have to wear ties.
  9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
  10. "Women and children first!"

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1995-2002 William Geoffrey Shotts. Last update: Tuesday, March 09, 2004