Instruction Books

A Man's Instruction Book

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men, It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was darn near impossible.
A man complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - then - POW! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? NONE. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack your things! I just won the lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care-just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your ex-wife and her lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished!

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
The woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop"
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.