ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

"Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says"

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers"

"Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted"

"Drunk gets nine months in violin case"

"Survivor of siamese twins joins parents"

"Farmer Bill dies in house"

"Iraqi head seeks arms"

"Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?"

"Stud tires out"

"Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over"

"Soviet virgin lands short of goal again"

"British left waffles on Falkland Islands"

"Eye drops off shelf"

"Teacher strikes idle kids"

"Squad helps dog bite victim"

"Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66"

"Enraged cow injures farmer with ax"

"Miners refuse to work after death"

"Juvenile court to try shooting defendant"

"Stolen painting found by tree"

"Two soviet ships collide, one dies"

"2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter"

"Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years"

"Never withhold herpes infection from loved one"

"Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84"

"War dims hope for peace"

"If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while"

"Cold wave linked to temperatures"

"Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide"