The Anti-Relationship Contract
(to guarantee no strings are attached)
I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of
friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in exchange for one (1)
night of USDA approved fondling and fornication. I will not return to the scene of said
activities, nor call, write or otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract
for a time of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have been
fulfilled. I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors, misnomers and dirty looks in
the cafeteria from myself and friends, and will treat said co-signer with all the respect
due a stranger. I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly,
if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of herefore listed activities not leave
underwear, earrings or other insignificant yet oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or
hidden somewhere in the co- signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode
and breaking the no-contact agreement of this document.
I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body, and will not call said
co-signer by any other name than is his or her own, nor reminisce on some former
slime-ball/great lover who wore the same cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will
also pay one-half of all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.
