How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."

Woman won't unlock car door for man Doesn't engage in oral sex
Man gets in car withour opening door for woman No foreplay
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant Prefers virgins
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way Is a virgin
Can't hail a cab Impotent
Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant Compulsive Don Juan
Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif Compulsive Don Quixote
Insist on going to a Polynesian bar Compulsive Don Ho
Wants to go to a French restaurant Will swallow
Wants to go to a deli Won't swallow
Takes too long deciding what to order Has trouble reaching orgasm
Orders salad dressing on the side Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
Gives explicit orders to waiter Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
Asks for extra rolls Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
Asks for "The Usual" Insists on missionary position only
Asks what the specials are Will want you to use handcuffs
Fills up on bread and crackers Premature ejaculation
Doesn't finish everything on plate Has already come
Insists on having some of whatever you orderded Will make you sleep on the wet spot
Changes mind after ordering Will never call you
Changes tables Nyphomaniac
Drinks Decaf. Fakes Orgasm (Female)
Orders in French Fakes Orgasm (Male)
Sends food back Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts Needs you to talk dirty during sex
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers Wants a handjob
Orders a dessert involving nuts Castrating Bitch
Wants to split dessert Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
Credit card is refused Low sperm count
Undertips waiter Small penis
Under tips parking valet Small penis
Undertips cabbie Small penis
Uses toothpick Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
Removable cassette player in car Pulls out repeatedly during sex
Cellular phone in car Penile inplant

© 1995-2002 William Geoffrey Shotts. Last update: Tuesday, March 09, 2004