MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp.
(MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington
state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to
coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all
necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte
when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr.
Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn,
there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott all
Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision.
"We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the
President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive
engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified
Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government.
Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the
deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of
unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating
systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope
thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold,
"but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is
going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain why the
microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out
more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT.
"This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed
by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in
Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is
said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in
discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against
Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said
one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second
posted on 14 May 1998
Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.