A Man's Instruction Book
- I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- It's not true that married men live longer than single men, It only seems longer.
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was darn near impossible.
- A man complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car,
the love of a beautiful woman - then - POW! It was all gone!" "What
happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out."
- Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before
I do, leave the hallway light on.
- How many men does it take to open a beer? NONE. It should be opened by the time she
brings it to the couch.
- A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack your things! I
just won the lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "shall I pack for warm weather
or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care-just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still
think they are beautiful.
- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
- If your ex-wife and her lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to
lunch or a movie?
- A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished!
A Woman's Instruction Book
- If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
- Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
- Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things
- The woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
- If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
- Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
- Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
- Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd
be wrong but you could still use them.
- Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make
- Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
- There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and
- Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.