The Book of Creation

Chapter One

IN THE BEGINNING, God created dates.

2 And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 B.C.

3 And when there was Light, God saw the date, and that it was an Monday, and He got down to work; for, verily, He had an Big Job to do.

4 And God made potter shards and Silurian mollusks and Pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic mastodon tusks and Pithecanthropus erectus skulls and Cretaceous Placenatalia made He; and those cave paintings at Lascaux. And that was that for the first Workday.

5 And God saw that He had made many wondrous things but that He had not wherin to put it all. And God said, "Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let Us bury all of these Things which We have made in the earth; but not too deep."

6 And God buried all the Things which He had made, and that was that.

7 And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

8 And God said, "Let there be water; and let the dry land appear"; and that was that.

9 And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water He called the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put He crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put He thereunder; and prehistoric corboniferous forests yielding antracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called He Resources; and He made them Abundant.

10 And likewise all that was in the Sea, even onto 200 miles from the dry land, called He resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance.

11 And the morning unto the evening had been an long day, which He called Wednesday.

12 And on the fourth day, God noticed that there had been Mornings and Evenings and Light and Darkeness for the past three days;

13 But nevertheless, God said, "Let there be lights in the Heavens to divide the Day from the Night"; and thatwas that.

14 And God said, "Let the water bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a separate species. For, lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like."

15 And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to Brontosauruses.

16 But God blessed them all, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and evolve not."

17 And God looked upon the species He had made and saw that the earth was exceeding crowded, and He said unto them, "Let each species compete for what it needeth; for Healthy Competition is My Law." And the species competed amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things, the dogs and the dinosaurs; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased.

18 And God took the bones from the dinosaurs and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast He them about the land and the sea. And He took every tiny creature that had not madeth it and caused them to become fossils; and cast He them about likewise.

19 And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt, God created carbon dating. And that is the origin of the species.

20 And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that He had put in another good day's work.

21 And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, which is tall and well formed and pale of hue; and let Us also make monkeys, which resembleth Us not in any wise but are short and ill formed and hairy." And God added, "Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered or otherwise, and everything that is in the earth or on it or under it or over it or near it, including but not limited to mineral rights, timber rights, drilling rights, rights of way, easements and eminent domain, without let or hindrance, irrespective of prior claim, in perpetuity, signed GOD."

22 SO God created Man in his own image; tall and well formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.

23 And God blessed him, and God said unto him, "See paragraph 21 above passim."

24 And God said, "Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of the earth. To you it shall be for meat. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas."

25 "And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be meat for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf."

26 And God saw everything He and made, and He saw that it was very good; and God said "It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations, this could have taken billions of years."

27 And on the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, "Thank Me it's Friday." And God made the weekend.

Chapter Two

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in five days, and all less than six thousand of years ago; and if thou believest it not, in a sling sha lt thou find thy hindmost quarters.

2 Likewise, God took the dust of the ground and the slime of the Sea and the scum of the earth and formed Man therefrom; and breathed the breath of Life right in his face. And he became Free to Choose.

3 And God made an market place eastward of Eden, in which the man was free to play. And this was the free play of the market place.

4 And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow four trees: the tree of Life, and the tree of Liberty, and the tree of the Pursuit of Happiness and the tree of the Knowledge of Sex.

5 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, "This is My law, which called the Law of Supply and Demand Investeth thou in the trees of Life, Lib erty and the Pursuit of Happiness, and thou shalt make for thyself an fortune. For what fruit thou eatest not, that thee mayest sell, and with the seeds there expand thy operations.

6 "But of the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, thou mayest not eay nor mayest thou invest therein, nor profit therehy nor expand its operations; for that is a mighty waste of seed."

7 And the man was exceeding glad But he asked the Lord God: "Who then shall labor in this market place? For am I not management, being tall and well formed and pale of hue?"

8 And the Lord God said unto Him self, "Verily, this kid hath the potential which is Executive."

9 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the fi and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to labor for him. And they labored for peanuts.

10 Then Adam was again exceeding glad. But he spake once more unto the Lord God, saying, "Lo, I am free to Play in the market place of the Lord, and I have cheap labor in plenty; but whom shall I sell my surplus fruit and realize a fortune thereby?"

11 And the Lord God said unto Him self, "Verily, this is an Live One."

12 And He caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and He took from him one of his ribs, which was an spare rib.

13 And the spare rib which the Lord God had taken from the man, made Him woman. And He brought her unto the man, saying:

14 "This is Woman and she shall purchase your fruit, to eat it; and you shall realize a fortune thereby. For Man produceth and Woman consumeth wherefore she shall be called the Con sumer."

15 And they were both decently clad the Mall and the Woman, from the neck even unto the ankles, so they were not ashamed.

Chapter Three

Now, the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, "Why hast thou accepted this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not human, even as the man is human?"

2 And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, "The Lord God hath or- dained that I am placed under the man and must do whatsoever he telleth me to do; for is he not the Man?"

3 But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and said unto the woman, "Is it not rig ht and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy potential? For art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is comely in his flesh?"

4 And the woman said, "Nay, I know not; for hath. not the Lord God clad us decently, from the neck even unto the ankles, and forbidden that we eat of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex

5 But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even into her very ear, "Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and believest thou me, it feeleth Good"

6 And when the woman saw the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, that it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank her teeth therein, and gave also to her husband, and he likewise sank his teeth therein.

7 And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they were not naked.

8 And the woman then loosened Adam's uppermost garment, and he likewise loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment, and the man then loosened her nethermost garment; until they were out of their garments both, and likewise of their minds.

9 And, lo! They did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they did rock backward and roll forward continuously.

10 And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did play upon a stringed instrument of music and did smite his tail upon the ground in an hypnotic rhythm; and he did sing in a voice that was like unto four voices, "She loveth you, yea, yea, yea."

11 And they did both twist and sllout and fall into an frenzy, both the man and the woman, and lie themselves upon the ground, and commit there abominations.

12 And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take the herb bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it; and, lo! It gaveth them ideas, even as the Lord God had said; and they were like to commit new abominations.

13 Now, the Lord God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, with His dog; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new abominations, the Lord God did stub the toe of His foot upon their hindmost quarters.

14 And the Lord God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, "Wherefore art thou naked? And what is that thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy work? For have I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and the part of the woman to consume whatsoever he produceth?"

15 And Adam and his wife did look upon each other, and did giggle.

16 Whereupon the Lord God waxed exceeding wroth, and He said, "Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?"

17 And the man said, "The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me made me do it."

18 And the Lord God said unto the woman, "What is this that thou hast done?" And the woman said, "The snake in the grass made me do it."

19 And the snake in the grass said, "The Devil made me do it."

20 And the Lord God said unto the snake in the grass, "Thou art an permissive beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon thy belly, and be made ilato belts and boots and handbags hereafter."

21 Unto the woman He said, "Since thou hast hearkened unto the snake in the grass, which is broad of mind and permissive, henceforth let it be thy lot to be confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by demons who shall tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be: such as an warrior, or an extinguisher of fires, or an operator of heavy machinery.

22 "And since thou hast put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad thee, hereafter, no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be overcome by longings to change thy raiment every spring and fall.

23 "And above all this, since thou hast desired to taste of the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse unto thee. From generation unto generation, men shall whistle antl hoot after thee as thou passest; yea, and women also."

24 And unto Adam he said, "Woe unto thee who hast hearkened not to the voice of the Lord thy God but rather to her who is thy inferior; for thou wast free to choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the market place and the free play thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the trees of Life and Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

25 "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou earn thy bread, and bankruptcy shall be rhy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden Irnio thee, thou shalt bear Big Government; for thou hast sinned."

26 And the Lord God said unto the man, "Behold, thy knowledge of sex shall be as a curse upon thee and thy generations: and thy loins shall be a trial unto thee.

27 "For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall thy member rise lip; when thou sittest to eat and drink among thy fellows, likewise shall it rise up; yea, even when thou standest before the people to preach unto them in My name shall it rise up, and be a scandal unto thee, and make an unseemly lump in thy garments; yet when thou goest into thy wife shall thy member witller and rise up not."

28 And then the Lord God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if to leave them there. But He turned, and spoke softly unto Adam and his wife, Eve, say ing. "Knowest thou something! Mine only hope is this: that someday, ye have children who do unto ye the way ye have done unto Me."

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