Astrology Explained

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility. Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented by Aquarians.

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the "pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em! Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months. It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session lasts.

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless, slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass them on.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)

The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called the "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.

There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.

Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen, Andrew Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth Taylor, Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev, Jerry Lewis, David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They DO deserve each other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow, Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso.

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it by the numbers.

Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.

The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that limber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old thing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is not a long leap for an Aries.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him. He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore, and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or "Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex. In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged love life.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by, and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie! Shame on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers, "Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught." Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely interested. Bitch.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar. Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts, even when neither of their parents have sisters.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what foreplay is, and she'll say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably a Cancer.

Leo (J uly 24-August 23)

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant, someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on. On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous. The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and "I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases to save for Leos.

Virgo (August 24-September 23)

A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first. People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming, and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding their emotions.

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers, if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after. And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it. Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always Libras.

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages. Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a well-behaved lover.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpio's are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc. They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpio's hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age, they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

Charles Manson is a Scorpio. Other famous Scorpio's include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers, Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn, & about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

Scorpio's posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just depends on what catches their eye. Scorpio's always want what they can't have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it. A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the leader of the PLO.

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class. These are the true snots of the world. But they make good supportive wives....especially the men.

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even. They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end up with a pussy full of cocksicle.