The Complete Guide to Cows
As compiled by dbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu
...:::/// THE ANCIENT HISTORY OF THE COWS \\\:::...
Part 5 of the 5-part COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS!
___________________________
(__) / \ * OFFICIAL EDITION *
(oo) ( Remember when I was a calf? )
/-------\/ --'\___________________________/ * SUMMER 1991 ISSUE! *
/ | ||
* ||----|| Edited by David A. Bader
^^ ^^ Please send your submissions to:
Cow dbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu
THE BIRTH OF THE COWS
(in the words of Stephen L. Schultz, the Creator)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Now, as for how it all started. Well, I think John Christensen, my old
roomate, was the first person to discover: (__)
(oo)
\/
looked like a cow's head. He once transmitted it vie write to someone
else and has it say, "MOO". I suppose it originated from (* *) which in
are implementation of PASCAL was begin and end comment. And he just
added the rest of it.
Then, as I said earlier, our system had crashed, and I was sitting
around talking with a friend, Geordie Kleuber. He was working on some
project or other and needed to know ANSI escape sequences. As I had
just finished writing graphics primitives in MACRO-11 for a project
I was working on, I knew them cold. So I demonstrated how to position
the cursor and how to turn attributes on and off.
I was doing this in local mode, and wanted something to draw, so I
drew one of John's "MOOs" as he called them. Then, as I need more
attributes to turn on and off, I added the rest of the body. Being
the corny person that I am, and seeing as how the Chernobyl incident
was current events at the time, I decided to make the entire cow blink.
Then I made the entire cow blink and bold. Then I made the entire cow
blink, bold, and reverse video. And I added captions underneath,
"Within 100 miles of Chernobyl" "Within 10 miles of Chernobyl" and
"Within 1 mile of Chernobyl."
Geordie thought it was hilarious. And as we had a local newsgroup,
local.noise (now csh.noise since the organization was Computer Science
House) for posting all sorts of ramblings. I decided to make an entire
posting out of the cows. The house loved them, and so I continued to
make up more.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, Adam Stein, a house member who was cooping
at Xerox, took copies of them and posted them to rec.humor there.
Because at the time, CSH did not have a full news feed, and only got
incoming news, nothing went back out. Adam one day forwarded me some
letters of people praising the cows. I didn't know until the third or
fourth posting that they were going out. Not that I minded.
It was funny. For the next year or so, people would tell me how while
they were on coop in YourCity, USA they would see my cows posted on the
wall. When I was at a DECUS once, someone recognized my name (I was
giving a talk on Imaging Science) as the creator of the cows and made
mention of it and about 20 people in the audience knew what he meant
when he spoke of the "net cows."
It was kind of neat. Since then, they have taken on a life of their
own. I had no idea how many new ones had been created. Some of them
are so intricate, it amazes me someone took the time to do it.
Someone once suggested putting them into a book, but I said, "They
wouldn't make it in a book. They only live on the net. There they have
character. In a book, they are just characters." I'd much rather see
them live in the public domain anyways. Especially since there have
been so many contributions from so many different people. It really is
kind of neat.
Who'd of thunked it? :)
- Steve
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
GROWING UP
(Some explanations by Stephen L. Schultz)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Hello. A friend of mine recently showed me the Cowmpendium you have
compiled from the net. This was of interest to me since I was the
person who started it all so long ago. I haven't subscribed to
rec.humor in a long time so I've missed a number of those you had
in your compendium. On the same token, you've missed some of my
more recent ones. I also noticed a few other older ones missing.
As was the case with a number of them, there are some local jokes,
and local references. The "Corner Crew" is our cheering section
for RIT hockey.
I will leave it up to you what you want to include and what you
do not.
Incidently, the "Chernobull" series is of special significance
because they are the ones that
started it all. One day, when the
system was down, I put my VT100 into local mode and started drawing.
The end result was the first cow. Actually it was a little more squat
than it is now, but I refined it on the screen until it looked good.
Knowing my VT100 escape codes by heart, I then drew another and made
it flash, and then flash and bold, and then flash, bold, and not present,
etcetera. In the olden days, you could send escapes through the mail
and such, and so it used to be a nice effect. Of course, since then,
everyone strips escapes out, so the series has lost its effect. But
I decided to leave them in for historical purposes.
Of course, again, you may include or not include them as you will.
Who'd of thought when I drew them way back when they'd have caught
on as they did? Thank Adam "Bacca" Stein for sending them out into
the "real" world, because initially they were only released on
local.noise which was a newsgroup local to our organization.
Have a good one.
- Stephen L. Schultz
Bitnet: SLS4255@RITVAX
Internet: SLS4255@RITVAX.isc.rit.edu
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
THE ORIGINAL GUIDE TO COWS
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Today, we are going to compare and contrast those lovely little bovines.
So sit back and enjoy, but don't forget to take notes. There may be a
surprise quiz sometime next week.
(__)
(oo) U
/-------\/ /---V
/ | || * |--| .
* ||----||
^^ ^^
Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters.
(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||----|| *
/-------\/ *-------\/ || | /
/ | || / | || /\-------/
* ||----|| / ||----|| (oo)
^^ ^^ vv vv (~~)
American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow
(__) (__) (__)
(oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo)
/-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/
/ | || / | || /| ||
* ||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Freshman Cow Freshman Cow Freshman Cow
Arriving at RIT After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20"
(__) (__) (__)
(OO) (@@) (xx)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash
psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms
[5m(__) [7m(__) [0m [7m [5m[0m
[5m(oo) [7m(oo) [0m [7m [5m[0m
[5m/-------\/ [7m/-------\/ [0m [7m [5 [0m
[5m/ | || [7m/ | || [0m [7m [5m[0m
[5m* ||----|| [7m* ||----|| [0m [7m [5m[0m
[5m^^ ^^ [7m^^ ^^ [0m [7m [5m[0m
Cow within 100 miles Cow within 10 miles Cow within 1 mile
of Chernobull of Chernobull of Chernobull
Note: Chernobull is intentionally misspelled to avoid an international
incident. It was never intended as a bad pun. Yah, right.
The following three cows were supposed to be app
earing with the
Celebrity Cows in the last issue, however, I found out that they
were sitting around a bar getting drunk discussing what exactly
is art. The cows' conclusion: Art is a bunch of Bull(s).
Sorry, but I couldn't resist,
Hawk, Sesquipedalianite
and Head of Heffer Control.
(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( O O)
/-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ /
/ || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/
/ || |||| \ | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----||||
/\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ^^^^ ^^^^
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had
four
legs or eight
. . . And now, the Golden Bovine Awards!
(__)
(oo) (_)
/-------\/ V
/ | || /G\
* ||----|| ___[B]___
^^ ^^ | |
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for . . . the nominees for the
best leading bull in a motion picture are:
Christopher for his role as the Brooklyn tough in the critically
acclaimed drama, "Chew the Cud Slowly"
Gambler, the swashbuckling hero in this years box-office block
buster in "Cow Wars III: Return of the Bovine"
Samson, as the somewhat deranged longhorn in what has been described
as this years most artistic film, "Slaughterhouse Mine"
Spencer for his outstanding portrayal of a cow who gets involved in
some crazy farmers scheme and gets sent to foreign fields
where his only goal is to get "Back to the Pasture"
George, the latest heart throb to dance his way across the silver
screen in "Hoofloose"
and
Bitters in a thought provoking role as an in-mate at a barn for
the mentally impaired in "One Flew Over the Milking Machine"
And the winner is . . .
Christopher in "Chew the Cud Slowly"
I would like to thank everyone who helped me make this movie, without whom I
never would have won, especially, Farmer Brown, whose guidance and patience
around feeding time helped me through the long nights of rehearsals and
shootings, and Farm-Hand John, who used to sneak out at night to open the
gate to the stud pen so that I could relieve some of my other tensions, and
to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
\
(__) (___)
(oo) (_) (O O)
/-------\/ V \ /---------\
/ | || /G\ O || | \
* ||----|| ___[B]___ ||-----|| *
^^ ^^ | | ^^ ^^
I would like to express my heart felt thanks to Gary Larson for giving
me explicit written permission to use his Far Side cartoon panel as
a basis for this cow posting:
...and with its onboard floating point
and dual I and D cache buffers, the
CLIPPER will blow the doors off of any
micro in its class. QUICK, ONE'S COMING !!!
\ \
\ \
(__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo)
\/ \/ \/
/----\ /----\ /----\
/| |\ /| |\ /| |\
^ | | ^ ^ | | ^-+
^ | | ^
| | | | |C| | |
/----\ /----\ +-+ /----\
/ \ \ / \ \ / \ \
^ * ^ ^ * ^ ^ * ^
MOO Oh, how boring it must
/ be to be a cow.
(__) (__) \ (__)
(oo) (oo) _______ (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\ // ||\ \ \/-------\
/ | || || | \ _____//___||_\ \___ || | \
* ||----|| ||----|| * ) _ _ \ ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ |_/ \________/ \___| ^^ ^^
______________________________________\_/________\_/__________________________
...So explain to me again how
they were able to acheive
zero wait states...
\ It's party time!
\ \
(__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo)
\/ \/ \/
/----\ /----\ /----\
/| |\ /| |\ /| |\
^ | | ^ ^ | | ^-+ ^ | | ^
| | | | |C| [BUD]| |[BUD]
/----\ /----\ +-+ [SIX]/----\[SIX]
/ \ \ / \ \ / \ \
^ * ^ ^ * ^ ^ * ^
CLIPPER is a trademark of the Fairchild Semiconductor Corporation,
BUD is a trademark of Anheiser Busch Brewing, and
"Far Side" is a New York Times Syndication.
/
/ / And we're just stupid cows.
(__) /
(oo) (__)
/-------\/ (oo)
/ | || \/-------\
* ||----|| || | \
^^ ^^ ||----|| *
^^ ^^
Many people have been asking me why there are so many different kinds
of milk on the shelves. Not just different brands, but different types,
like Whole or Low-Fat. Well, I have decided to answer that question in
full. Listed below are most of the major types of milk available on the
market today and with them are the type of cow that produces the milk.
Most American citizens don't even begin to realize all of the carefull
in-breeding that went into producing these strains of dairy cows so that
the average consumer would have a wide selection of milk to choose from.
In fact, most Americans are ignorant of tha fact that this many different
types of cows exist. Most people beleive that all cows look alike. Not
so, as we are soon to find out.
Stephen L. Schultz
Head of Heifer Control
Computer Science House
Rochester Institute of Technology
Rochester, New York 14623
(__) (__) __)
(oo) (oo) o)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | O || * ||----||
* ||----|| || ||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow that gives Cow that gives Cow that gives
(W)hole Milk. Low-Fat Milk. 2% Milk.
(__)
(dd) .
/-------\/
/ | || U .
* ||----|| /---V .
^^ ^^ * |--|
.
Cow that gives Cow that gives Cow that gives (gave)
Vitamin D Milk. Condensed Milk. Evaporated Milk.
Warning: Two of the last three are crude.
(__)
__(oo)
(__) / \/ (__) (___)
milk / \\ (oo) (O O)
/-------\/ /| /-^^---\/ /--------\ /
/ | || / | /| || / | ||O
* ||----|| * || ||----|| * ||@\---||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow that gives Cows that give Cow that gives
Pasteurized Milk. Homogenized Milk. Cream.
I warned you.
In an attempt to cash in on the cow craze that swept local.noise, Detroit
has decided to produce a complete line of auto-moo-biles. Japan was quick
to follow suit and produced a few cows too, as were a couple of European
countries. Below is a list of the auto-moo-biles reviewed by "Cow and
Track" magazine.
Before you read the list, I would like to point out that a friend of mine
recently purchased a particular brand of automobile and we have been
kidding her about the small size of this automobile. It is intended to
needle this person, but if you wish to take offense and want to flame me
for degrading the car, then please, feel free to send all flames to:
rochester!ritcv!ritcsh!adam
If you wish to make any constructive comments or suggestions to add to
my collection of cows, please mail to:
rochester!ritcv!ritcsh!hawk
(__) Stephen L. Schultz
(oo) Head of Heifer Control
/-------\/ Computer Science House
/ | || Rochester Institute of Technology
* ||----|| Rochester, New York 14623
^^ ^^
Here are the national standards for wheel-base classification:
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-----------\/ /---------\/ /-------\/ /-----\/
/ | || / | || / | || / | || U
* ||--------|| * ||------|| * ||----|| * ||--|| /---V
OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO * O--O
Full-Size Cow Mid-Size Cow Compact Cow Sub-Compact Cow Yugo
These are some of the various models offered:
__ (__) ______ (__) (__) (__)
/ \ (oo) / \ (oo) (oo) \ (oo)
/ ---\/ * --\/ /| |---\/ @ ---\/
* | || | || * |______| || /| || U
||----|| ||--------|| ||--------|| * ||------|| /---V
OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO * O--O
Hatch-Back Station Wagon Pick-up Truck Convertable Roller
Skate
Although some people like to customize their cows:
(__) \
(oo) \
/-------\/ (__) \__)
/ | || /---_ (__) (oo) (oo)
* ||----|| / | -_(oo) /-----------\[] /--------\/
OOO OOO * ||-_ |\/ / | |[] /|=======|| * U
O O O O || -_|| * ||--------|| * ||------||( \---V
OOO OOO OO OO OO OO @@ @@ O--O
Beach-comber's A Low-Rider Chevy Impala Aluminum alloy Yugo
with
Deluxe with Fuzzy Dice rims, fog lamps, rear
cb radio, and spoiler
custom pin-striping
Then there are the luxury cows:
(__)
(oo)
/---------------------------------------------\/
/ | || U
* ||------------------------------------------|| /-----V
OO OO * O----O
Stretch Limo Yugo Limo
And the workforce of the interstate cowing industry:
/------------------------------------------
/ | |
/ | Upstate Milk Cooperatives | (_____)
/ | | ( O O )
/ | | \ /
* |________________________________________|___\ /
OO OO OO OO O . .__.,,
The Eighteen Hoofer Yugo after being
run over by the 18
hoofer
Many people have been asking what the most read magazine is amongst the
bulls in the pen. Well the answer is an easy one, it's PLAYBULL. But
not too many people know who own's PLAYBULL, so I thought it would be
nice to head out to the PLAYBULL Mansion and meet the founder and editor,
Hugh Heifer.
- Steve Schultz
Head of Heifer Control
Here is Hugh Heifer himself, with a couple of his PLAYBULL Bunnies.
Of course, whenever Hugh is around the mansion, he always wears his
comfortable silk bathrobes.
\ / \ /
\__/ (___) \__/
(oo) (o o) (oo)
/-------\/ /---+----\ / \/-------\
/ | || / | | ||O || | \
* ||----|| * ||-+---|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Meanwhile, in the photo studios in the back of the mansion, we see next
issues centerfold posing in front of the camera.
(__) O
(o[o]| * (__)
/-------\/ v / (oo)v
/ | ||_/ \-------\/ \
* ||----| v____/ / \/
^^ ^ v___\____v/___/
Probably an RIT Is this one beautiful
photo graduate bovine, or what?
Well, if you liked the way the centerfold looked, you may want some
biographical data:
Name: Ingrid
Age: 4
Occupation: Dairy producer
Major Turn-ons: A well charged cattle prod
Major Turn-offs: A stud pen with too many cows
and not enough bulls
Favorite TV Show: T.J. Hoofer
Favorite Rock Group: George Thorocud
Favorite Sexual Position: Up against the barbed wire
Ambitions in Life: To be in heat during the running of the bulls
Our system ( VAXIMG ) is currently down for FCO's, and so, having nothing
better to do ( not necessarily true, but nothing better that I want to do )
I decided to draw a few cows. These cows are from the Corner Crew, so
watch out, they are loud and obnoxious at hockey games.
- Hawk
(_ _)
(__) (o o)
(oo) \ /-------\
/-------\/ || | \
* ||----|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Strawberry Shortcake Banana Split
(__) (__) *
(oo) (oo) /
/-------\/ \/-------/
/ | || || | o
* ||----|| ||----|| ooo
:: :: ^^ ^^ oooooo
Your team skates Like a pile of . . .
(__)
(__)
(oo) (oo)
\/-------\ /-------\/
\\ \ \ / / //
\\----\\ * * //----//
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Shift to the left Shift to the right
(__)
(oo)
/--\/--\ (__)
/ | | \ (oo)
^ | | ^ ---\/----<
/----\ | \-+-<
/ \ \ | |
^ * ^ *__|__-+-<-<
Stand up Sit down
(__) * (__)(__)
(xx) \ (@@)(oo)
/-------\/ >---\------\/ \/-------\
/ | || | ||>---| || \
* ||----|| |-----|| |----|| *
^^ ^^ ^ ^^ ^ ^^
Fight, fight, fight!
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The Complete Guide to Cows thanks the following editors:
Stephen L. Schultz (SLS4255@RITVAX.isc.rit.edu)
Eric W. Tilenius (etileniu@Oracle.COM)
David A. Bader (dbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu)
And, of course, a BIG MOO! to the home audience for supporting and creating
new cows for the Guide!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
|
------- | This concludes the fifth part of THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO COWS.
| COW | | Please distribute this file WIDELY on BBSes, etc. It is in
------- | the public domain. ((THANKS TO ALL WHO CONTRIBUTED COWS!!))
|
Iconified Cow | Please send me your COWS for the next edition! When drawing
| cows, please DO NOT use tabs - use only "real" spaces.
---------------'
Cowments? Cowntributions? Send them to the editor...
David A. Bader // dbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
David A. Bader Permanent Addr:
CSEE Dept., Packard Lab 1402 Lorain Avenue
Lehigh University Bethlehem, Pa. 18018
Bethlehem, Pa. 18015 (215) 868-1311
(215) 974-8995
Internet: dbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu or dab3@pl118f.cc.lehigh.edu
Bitnet: DAB3@LEHIGH.bitnet
© 1997 David A. Bader.
|
